INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Special nurse PROF CAMERON COX is arguing with charming nurse DCI MARY DOOP. CAMERON tries to hug MARY but she shakes him off.
CAMERON
Please Mary, don't leave me.
MARY
I'm sorry Cameron, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
CAMERON
I am such a person!
MARY frowns.
MARY
I'm sorry, Cameron. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
MARY leaves.
CAMERON sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, modest actor LORD ALEX NOLAN barges in looking flustered.
CAMERON
Goodness, Alex! Is everything okay?
ALEX
I'm afraid not.
CAMERON
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ALEX
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger devour a bunch of babies!
CAMERON
Defenseless babies?
ALEX
Yes, defenseless babies!
CAMERON
Bloomin' heck, Alex! We've got to do something.
ALEX
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CAMERON
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ALEX
I was...
ALEX fans himself and begins to wheeze.
CAMERON
Focus Alex, focus! Where did it happen?
ALEX
Quality Cafe, Los Angeles! That's right - Quality Cafe, Los Angeles!
CAMERON springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CAMERON rushes along the street, followed by ALEX. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - SHORTLY AFTER
TRISTAN NORIS a selfish mugger terrorises two babies.
CAMERON, closely followed by ALEX, rushes towards TRISTAN, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
ALEX
What is is? What's the matter?
CAMERON
That's not just any old mugger, that's Tristan Noris!
ALEX
Who's Tristan Noris?
CAMERON
Who's Tristan Noris? Who's Tristan Noris? Only the most selfish mugger in the universe!
ALEX
Blinkin' knickers, Cameron! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish mugger in the universe!
CAMERON
You can say that again.
ALEX
Blinkin' knickers, Cameron! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish mugger in the universe!
CAMERON
I'm going to need pistols, lots of pistols.
Tristan turns and sees Cameron and Alex. He grins an evil grin.
TRISTAN
Cameron Cox, we meet again.
ALEX
You've met?
CAMERON
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CAMERON is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees TRISTAN. He takes off his headphones.
TRISTAN
Would you like some wine gums?
CAMERON's eyes light up, but then he studies TRISTAN more closely, and looks uneasy.
CAMERON
I don't know, you look kind of selfish.
TRISTAN
Me? No. I'm not selfish. I'm the least selfish mugger in the world.
CAMERON
Wait, you're a mugger?
CAMERON runs away, screaming.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - PRESENT DAY
TRISTAN
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
ALEX
(To CAMERON) You ran away?
CAMERON
(To ALEX) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CAMERON turns to TRISTAN.
CAMERON
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CAMERON runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
CAMERON
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pistols.
TRISTAN
I'm not scared of you.
CAMERON
You should be.
INT. A LIBRARY - LATER THAT DAY
CAMERON and ALEX walk around searching for something.
CAMERON
I feel sure I left my pistols somewhere around here.
ALEX
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly pistols.
CAMERON
You know nothing Alex Nolan.
ALEX
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, TRISTAN appears, holding a pair of pistols.
TRISTAN
Looking for something?
ALEX
Crikey, Cameron, he's got your pistols.
CAMERON
Tell me something I don't already know!
ALEX
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CAMERON
I know that already!
ALEX
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.
TRISTAN
(appalled) Dude!
While TRISTAN is looking at ALEX with disgust, CAMERON lunges forward and grabs his deadly pistols. He wields them, triumphantly.
CAMERON
Prepare to die, you selfish parsnip!
TRISTAN
No please! All I did was devour a bunch of babies!
MARY enters, unseen by any of the others.
CAMERON
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Cameron Cox defender of innocent babies.
TRISTAN
Don't hurt me! Please!
CAMERON
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pistols on you right away!
TRISTAN
Because Cameron, I am your father.
CAMERON looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
CAMERON
No you're not!
TRISTAN
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
TRISTAN tries to grab the pistols but CAMERON dodges out of the way.
CAMERON
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, TRISTAN slumps to the ground.
ALEX
Did he just faint?
CAMERON
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pistols.
CAMERON crouches over TRISTAN's body.
ALEX
Be careful, Cameron. It could be a trick.
CAMERON
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Tristan Noris is dead!
CAMERON
What?
CAMERON
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
ALEX claps his hands.
ALEX
So your pistols did save the day, after all.
MARY steps forward.
MARY
Is it true? Did you kill the selfish mugger?
CAMERON
Mary how long have you been...?
MARY puts her arm around CAMERON.
MARY
Long enough.
CAMERON
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Tristan Noris.
MARY
Then the babies are safe?
CAMERON
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.
MARY
You are their hero.
The babies bow to CAMERON.
CAMERON
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Tristan Noris will never devour babies ever again, is enough for me.
MARY
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the babies passes CAMERON a wooden pendant
MARY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CAMERON
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
CAMERON
Well, if you insist.
CAMERON takes the pendant.
CAMERON
Thank you.
The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.
CAMERON turns to MARY.
CAMERON
Does this mean you want me back?
MARY
Oh, Cameron, of course I want you back!
CAMERON smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
CAMERON
Well you can't have me.
MARY
WHAT?
CAMERON
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
MARY
But...
CAMERON
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Alex.
ALEX grins.
MARY
But...
ALEX
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
MARY
Cameron?
CAMERON
I'm sorry Mary, but I think you should skidaddle.
MARY leaves.
ALEX turns to CAMERON.
ALEX
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CAMERON
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly ALEX stops.
ALEX
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?
THE END