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Stupid Lion

Caring hairdresser DR ALICE WILSON is arguing with sweet fishmonger LORD GREGORY RAYMOND. ALICE tries to hug GREGORY but he shakes her off.

 

ALICE

Please Gregory, don't leave me.

GREGORY

I'm sorry Alice, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

ALICE

I am such a person!

GREGORY frowns.

 

GREGORY

I'm sorry, Alice. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

GREGORY leaves.

 

ALICE sits down, looking defeated.

 

Moments later, down to earth detective MRS KIMBERLY BOND barges in looking flustered.

 

ALICE

Goodness, Kimberly! Is everything okay?

KIMBERLY

I'm afraid not.

ALICE

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

KIMBERLY

It's ... a lion ... I saw an evil lion hurt a bunch of elderly ladies!

ALICE

Defenseless elderly ladies?

KIMBERLY

Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!

ALICE

Bloomin' heck, Kimberly! We've got to do something.

KIMBERLY

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

ALICE

You can start by telling me where this happened.

KIMBERLY

I was...

KIMBERLY fans herself and begins to wheeze.

 

ALICE

Focus Kimberly, focus! Where did it happen?

KIMBERLY

A Sweet Shop! That's right - A Sweet Shop!

ALICE springs up and begins to run.

 

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

 

ALICE rushes along the street, followed by KIMBERLY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

 

INT. A SWEET SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

 

DAN JOHNSON a stupid lion terrorises two elderly ladies.

 

ALICE, closely followed by KIMBERLY, rushes towards DAN, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

 

KIMBERLY

What is is? What's the matter?

ALICE

That's not just any old lion, that's Dan Johnson!

KIMBERLY

Who's Dan Johnson?

ALICE

Who's Dan Johnson? Who's Dan Johnson? Only the most stupid lion in the universe!

KIMBERLY

Blinkin' knickers, Alice! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid lion in the universe!

ALICE

You can say that again.

KIMBERLY

Blinkin' knickers, Alice! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid lion in the universe!

ALICE

I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.

Dan turns and sees Alice and Kimberly. He grins an evil grin.

 

DAN

Alice Wilson, we meet again.

KIMBERLY

You've met?

ALICE

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

 

A young ALICE is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

 

She looks up and sees DAN. She takes off her headphones.

 

DAN

Would you like some barley sugar?

ALICE's eyes light up, but then he studies DAN more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

ALICE

I don't know, you look kind of stupid.

DAN

Me? No. I'm not stupid. I'm the least stupid lion in the world.

ALICE

Wait, you're a lion?

ALICE runs away, screaming.

 

 

INT. A SWEET SHOP - PRESENT DAY

 

DAN

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

KIMBERLY

(To ALICE) You ran away?

ALICE

(To KIMBERLY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

ALICE turns to DAN.

 

ALICE

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

ALICE runs away.

 

She turns back and shouts.

 

ALICE

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows.

DAN

I'm not scared of you.

ALICE

You should be.

 

INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

 

ALICE and KIMBERLY walk around searching for something.

 

ALICE

I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.

KIMBERLY

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows.

ALICE

You know nothing Kimberly Bond.

KIMBERLY

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, DAN appears, holding a pair of arrows.

 

DAN

Looking for something?

KIMBERLY

Crikey, Alice, he's got your arrows.

ALICE

Tell me something I don't already know!

KIMBERLY

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

ALICE

I know that already!

KIMBERLY

I'm afraid of dust.

DAN

(appalled) Dude!

While DAN is looking at KIMBERLY with disgust, ALICE lunges forward and grabs her deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

ALICE

Prepare to die, you stupid parsnip!

DAN

No please! All I did was hurt a bunch of elderly ladies!

GREGORY enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

ALICE

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Alice Wilson defender of innocent elderly ladies.

DAN

Don't hurt me! Please!

ALICE

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away!

DAN

Because Alice, I am your father.

ALICE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

 

ALICE

No you're not!

DAN

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

DAN tries to grab the arrows but ALICE dodges out of the way.

 

ALICE

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, DAN slumps to the ground.

 

KIMBERLY

Did he just faint?

ALICE

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.

ALICE crouches over DAN's body.

 

KIMBERLY

Be careful, Alice. It could be a trick.

ALICE

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Dan Johnson is dead!

ALICE

What?

ALICE

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

KIMBERLY claps her hands.

 

KIMBERLY

So your arrows did save the day, after all.

GREGORY steps forward.

 

GREGORY

Is it true? Did you kill the stupid lion?

ALICE

Gregory how long have you been...?

GREGORY puts his arm around ALICE.

 

GREGORY

Long enough.

ALICE

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Dan Johnson.

GREGORY

Then the elderly ladies are safe?

ALICE

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.

 

GREGORY

You are their hero.

The elderly ladies bow to ALICE.

 

ALICE

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Dan Johnson will never hurt elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.

GREGORY

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the elderly ladies passes ALICE a mystical pendant

 

GREGORY

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

ALICE

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

 

ALICE

Well, if you insist.

ALICE takes the pendant.

 

ALICE

Thank you.

The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.

 

ALICE turns to GREGORY.

 

ALICE

Does this mean you want me back?

GREGORY

Oh, Alice, of course I want you back!

ALICE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

ALICE

Well you can't have me.

GREGORY

WHAT?

ALICE

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a lion to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

GREGORY

But...

ALICE

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Kimberly.

KIMBERLY grins.

 

GREGORY

But...

KIMBERLY

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

GREGORY

Alice?

ALICE

I'm sorry Gregory, but I think you should skidaddle.

GREGORY leaves.

 

KIMBERLY turns to ALICE.

 

KIMBERLY

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

ALICE

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

 

Suddenly KIMBERLY stops.

 

KIMBERLY

When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the lion don't you?

THE END