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Spiteful Mugger  

Sympathetic swordsman PROF DORIS BLUNDER is arguing with modest detective MR TOMMY DONALDSON. DORIS tries to hug TOMMY but he shakes her off.

 

DORIS

Please Tommy, don't leave me.

TOMMY

I'm sorry Doris, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

DORIS

I am such a person!

TOMMY frowns.

 

TOMMY

I'm sorry, Doris. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

TOMMY leaves.

 

DORIS sits down, looking defeated.

 

Moments later, kind hairdresser DCI MARY GOBBLE barges in looking flustered.

 

DORIS

Goodness, Mary! Is everything okay?

MARY

I'm afraid not.

DORIS

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

MARY

It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger burgle a bunch of elderly gents!

DORIS

Defenseless elderly gents?

MARY

Yes, defenseless elderly gents!

DORIS

Bloomin' heck, Mary! We've got to do something.

MARY

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

DORIS

You can start by telling me where this happened.

MARY

I was...

MARY fans herself and begins to wheeze.

 

DORIS

Focus Mary, focus! Where did it happen?

MARY

The Eden Project, Cornwall! That's right - The Eden Project, Cornwall!

DORIS springs up and begins to run.

 

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

 

DORIS rushes along the street, followed by MARY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

 

EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - SHORTLY AFTER

 

SARAH CHEN a spiteful mugger terrorises two elderly gents.

 

DORIS, closely followed by MARY, rushes towards SARAH, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

 

MARY

What is is? What's the matter?

DORIS

That's not just any old mugger, that's Sarah Chen!

MARY

Who's Sarah Chen?

DORIS

Who's Sarah Chen? Who's Sarah Chen? Only the most spiteful mugger in the universe!

MARY

Blinkin' knickers, Doris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful mugger in the universe!

DORIS

You can say that again.

MARY

Blinkin' knickers, Doris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful mugger in the universe!

DORIS

I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.

Sarah turns and sees Doris and Mary. She grins an evil grin.

 

SARAH

Doris Blunder, we meet again.

MARY

You've met?

DORIS

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

 

A young DORIS is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

 

She looks up and sees SARAH. She takes off her headphones.

 

SARAH

Would you like some fruit gums?

DORIS's eyes light up, but then he studies SARAH more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

DORIS

I don't know, you look kind of spiteful.

SARAH

Me? No. I'm not spiteful. I'm the least spiteful mugger in the world.

DORIS

Wait, you're a mugger?

DORIS runs away, screaming.

 

 

EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - PRESENT DAY

 

SARAH

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

MARY

(To DORIS) You ran away?

DORIS

(To MARY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

DORIS turns to SARAH.

 

DORIS

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

DORIS runs away.

 

She turns back and shouts.

 

DORIS

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.

SARAH

I'm not scared of you.

DORIS

You should be.

 

EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

 

DORIS and MARY walk around searching for something.

 

DORIS

I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.

MARY

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.

DORIS

You know nothing Mary Gobble.

MARY

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, SARAH appears, holding a pair of paperweights.

 

SARAH

Looking for something?

MARY

Crikey, Doris, she's got your paperweights.

DORIS

Tell me something I don't already know!

MARY

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

DORIS

I know that already!

MARY

I'm afraid of sausages.

SARAH

(appalled) Dude!

While SARAH is looking at MARY with disgust, DORIS lunges forward and grabs her deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

DORIS

Prepare to die, you spiteful parsnip!

SARAH

No please! All I did was burgle a bunch of elderly gents!

TOMMY enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

DORIS

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Doris Blunder defender of innocent elderly gents.

SARAH

Don't hurt me! Please!

DORIS

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!

SARAH

Because Doris, I am your mother.

DORIS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

 

DORIS

No you're not!

SARAH

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

SARAH tries to grab the paperweights but DORIS dodges out of the way.

 

DORIS

Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, SARAH slumps to the ground.

 

MARY

Did she just faint?

DORIS

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.

DORIS crouches over SARAH's body.

 

MARY

Be careful, Doris. It could be a trick.

DORIS

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sarah Chen is dead!

DORIS

What?

DORIS

Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

MARY claps her hands.

 

MARY

So your paperweights did save the day, after all.

TOMMY steps forward.

 

TOMMY

Is it true? Did you kill the spiteful mugger?

DORIS

Tommy how long have you been...?

TOMMY puts his arm around DORIS.

 

TOMMY

Long enough.

DORIS

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sarah Chen.

TOMMY

Then the elderly gents are safe?

DORIS

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.

 

TOMMY

You are their hero.

The elderly gents bow to DORIS.

 

DORIS

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sarah Chen will never burgle elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.

TOMMY

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the elderly gents passes DORIS a tinkling necklace

 

TOMMY

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

DORIS

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

 

DORIS

Well, if you insist.

DORIS takes the necklace.

 

DORIS

Thank you.

The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.

 

DORIS turns to TOMMY.

 

DORIS

Does this mean you want me back?

TOMMY

Oh, Doris, of course I want you back!

DORIS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

DORIS

Well you can't have me.

TOMMY

WHAT?

DORIS

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

TOMMY

But...

DORIS

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Mary.

MARY grins.

 

TOMMY

But...

MARY

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

TOMMY

Doris?

DORIS

I'm sorry Tommy, but I think you should skidaddle.

TOMMY leaves.

 

MARY turns to DORIS.

 

MARY

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

DORIS

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

 

Suddenly MARY stops.

 

MARY

When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?

THE END