Sympathetic swordsman PROF DORIS BLUNDER is arguing with modest detective MR TOMMY DONALDSON. DORIS tries to hug TOMMY but he shakes her off.
DORIS
Please Tommy, don't leave me.
TOMMY
I'm sorry Doris, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
DORIS
I am such a person!
TOMMY frowns.
TOMMY
I'm sorry, Doris. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
TOMMY leaves.
DORIS sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, kind hairdresser DCI MARY GOBBLE barges in looking flustered.
DORIS
Goodness, Mary! Is everything okay?
MARY
I'm afraid not.
DORIS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
MARY
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger burgle a bunch of elderly gents!
DORIS
Defenseless elderly gents?
MARY
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!
DORIS
Bloomin' heck, Mary! We've got to do something.
MARY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
DORIS
You can start by telling me where this happened.
MARY
I was...
MARY fans herself and begins to wheeze.
DORIS
Focus Mary, focus! Where did it happen?
MARY
The Eden Project, Cornwall! That's right - The Eden Project, Cornwall!
DORIS springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
DORIS rushes along the street, followed by MARY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - SHORTLY AFTER
SARAH CHEN a spiteful mugger terrorises two elderly gents.
DORIS, closely followed by MARY, rushes towards SARAH, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
MARY
What is is? What's the matter?
DORIS
That's not just any old mugger, that's Sarah Chen!
MARY
Who's Sarah Chen?
DORIS
Who's Sarah Chen? Who's Sarah Chen? Only the most spiteful mugger in the universe!
MARY
Blinkin' knickers, Doris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful mugger in the universe!
DORIS
You can say that again.
MARY
Blinkin' knickers, Doris! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful mugger in the universe!
DORIS
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.
Sarah turns and sees Doris and Mary. She grins an evil grin.
SARAH
Doris Blunder, we meet again.
MARY
You've met?
DORIS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young DORIS is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees SARAH. She takes off her headphones.
SARAH
Would you like some fruit gums?
DORIS's eyes light up, but then he studies SARAH more closely, and looks uneasy.
DORIS
I don't know, you look kind of spiteful.
SARAH
Me? No. I'm not spiteful. I'm the least spiteful mugger in the world.
DORIS
Wait, you're a mugger?
DORIS runs away, screaming.
EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - PRESENT DAY
SARAH
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
MARY
(To DORIS) You ran away?
DORIS
(To MARY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
DORIS turns to SARAH.
DORIS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
DORIS runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
DORIS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.
SARAH
I'm not scared of you.
DORIS
You should be.
EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
DORIS and MARY walk around searching for something.
DORIS
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.
MARY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.
DORIS
You know nothing Mary Gobble.
MARY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, SARAH appears, holding a pair of paperweights.
SARAH
Looking for something?
MARY
Crikey, Doris, she's got your paperweights.
DORIS
Tell me something I don't already know!
MARY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
DORIS
I know that already!
MARY
I'm afraid of sausages.
SARAH
(appalled) Dude!
While SARAH is looking at MARY with disgust, DORIS lunges forward and grabs her deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.
DORIS
Prepare to die, you spiteful parsnip!
SARAH
No please! All I did was burgle a bunch of elderly gents!
TOMMY enters, unseen by any of the others.
DORIS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Doris Blunder defender of innocent elderly gents.
SARAH
Don't hurt me! Please!
DORIS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!
SARAH
Because Doris, I am your mother.
DORIS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
DORIS
No you're not!
SARAH
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
SARAH tries to grab the paperweights but DORIS dodges out of the way.
DORIS
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, SARAH slumps to the ground.
MARY
Did she just faint?
DORIS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.
DORIS crouches over SARAH's body.
MARY
Be careful, Doris. It could be a trick.
DORIS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sarah Chen is dead!
DORIS
What?
DORIS
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
MARY claps her hands.
MARY
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.
TOMMY steps forward.
TOMMY
Is it true? Did you kill the spiteful mugger?
DORIS
Tommy how long have you been...?
TOMMY puts his arm around DORIS.
TOMMY
Long enough.
DORIS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sarah Chen.
TOMMY
Then the elderly gents are safe?
DORIS
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.
TOMMY
You are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to DORIS.
DORIS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sarah Chen will never burgle elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.
TOMMY
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes DORIS a tinkling necklace
TOMMY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
DORIS
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
DORIS
Well, if you insist.
DORIS takes the necklace.
DORIS
Thank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.
DORIS turns to TOMMY.
DORIS
Does this mean you want me back?
TOMMY
Oh, Doris, of course I want you back!
DORIS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
DORIS
Well you can't have me.
TOMMY
WHAT?
DORIS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
TOMMY
But...
DORIS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Mary.
MARY grins.
TOMMY
But...
MARY
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
TOMMY
Doris?
DORIS
I'm sorry Tommy, but I think you should skidaddle.
TOMMY leaves.
MARY turns to DORIS.
MARY
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
DORIS
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly MARY stops.
MARY
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?
THE END