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Wild Alien

Daring actor SIR JACK BARLOW is arguing with admirable hairdresser PROF GEORGINA JONES. JACK tries to hug GEORGINA but she shakes him off.

 

JACK

Please Georgina, don't leave me.

GEORGINA

I'm sorry Jack, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

JACK

I am such a person!

GEORGINA frowns.

 

GEORGINA

I'm sorry, Jack. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

GEORGINA leaves.

 

JACK sits down, looking defeated.

 

Moments later, intelligent teacher DR WILLIAM TORRANCE barges in looking flustered.

 

JACK

Goodness, William! Is everything okay?

WILLIAM

I'm afraid not.

JACK

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

WILLIAM

It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien vandalise a bunch of children!

JACK

Defenseless children?

WILLIAM

Yes, defenseless children!

JACK

Bloomin' heck, William! We've got to do something.

WILLIAM

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

JACK

You can start by telling me where this happened.

WILLIAM

I was...

WILLIAM fans himself and begins to wheeze.

 

JACK

Focus William, focus! Where did it happen?

WILLIAM

Quality Cafe, Los Angeles! That's right - Quality Cafe, Los Angeles!

JACK springs up and begins to run.

 

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

 

JACK rushes along the street, followed by WILLIAM. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

 

INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - SHORTLY AFTER

 

MATHIAS DOOP a wild alien terrorises two children.

 

JACK, closely followed by WILLIAM, rushes towards MATHIAS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

 

WILLIAM

What is is? What's the matter?

JACK

That's not just any old alien, that's Mathias Doop!

WILLIAM

Who's Mathias Doop?

JACK

Who's Mathias Doop? Who's Mathias Doop? Only the most wild alien in the universe!

WILLIAM

Blinkin' knickers, Jack! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most wild alien in the universe!

JACK

You can say that again.

WILLIAM

Blinkin' knickers, Jack! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most wild alien in the universe!

JACK

I'm going to need rifles, lots of rifles.

Mathias turns and sees Jack and William. He grins an evil grin.

 

MATHIAS

Jack Barlow, we meet again.

WILLIAM

You've met?

JACK

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

 

A young JACK is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

 

He looks up and sees MATHIAS. He takes off his headphones.

 

MATHIAS

Would you like some barley sugar?

JACK's eyes light up, but then he studies MATHIAS more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

JACK

I don't know, you look kind of wild.

MATHIAS

Me? No. I'm not wild. I'm the least wild alien in the world.

JACK

Wait, you're a alien?

JACK runs away, screaming.

 

 

INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - PRESENT DAY

 

MATHIAS

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

WILLIAM

(To JACK) You ran away?

JACK

(To WILLIAM) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

JACK turns to MATHIAS.

 

JACK

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

JACK runs away.

 

He turns back and shouts.

 

JACK

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rifles.

MATHIAS

I'm not scared of you.

JACK

You should be.

 

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY

 

JACK and WILLIAM walk around searching for something.

 

JACK

I feel sure I left my rifles somewhere around here.

WILLIAM

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rifles.

JACK

You know nothing William Torrance.

WILLIAM

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, MATHIAS appears, holding a pair of rifles.

 

MATHIAS

Looking for something?

WILLIAM

Crikey, Jack, he's got your rifles.

JACK

Tell me something I don't already know!

WILLIAM

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

JACK

I know that already!

WILLIAM

I'm afraid of sausages.

MATHIAS

(appalled) Dude!

While MATHIAS is looking at WILLIAM with disgust, JACK lunges forward and grabs his deadly rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

JACK

Prepare to die, you wild potato!

MATHIAS

No please! All I did was vandalise a bunch of children!

GEORGINA enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

JACK

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Jack Barlow defender of innocent children.

MATHIAS

Don't hurt me! Please!

JACK

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rifles on you right away!

MATHIAS

Because Jack, I am your father.

JACK looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

 

JACK

No you're not!

MATHIAS

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

MATHIAS tries to grab the rifles but JACK dodges out of the way.

 

JACK

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, MATHIAS slumps to the ground.

 

WILLIAM

Did he just faint?

JACK

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rifles.

JACK crouches over MATHIAS's body.

 

WILLIAM

Be careful, Jack. It could be a trick.

JACK

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Mathias Doop is dead!

JACK

What?

JACK

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

WILLIAM claps his hands.

 

WILLIAM

So your rifles did save the day, after all.

GEORGINA steps forward.

 

GEORGINA

Is it true? Did you kill the wild alien?

JACK

Georgina how long have you been...?

GEORGINA puts her arm around JACK.

 

GEORGINA

Long enough.

JACK

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Mathias Doop.

GEORGINA

Then the children are safe?

JACK

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.

 

GEORGINA

You are their hero.

The children bow to JACK.

 

JACK

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Mathias Doop will never vandalise children ever again, is enough for me.

GEORGINA

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the children passes JACK a healing bell

 

GEORGINA

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

JACK

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

 

JACK

Well, if you insist.

JACK takes the bell.

 

JACK

Thank you.

The children bow their heads once more, and leave.

 

JACK turns to GEORGINA.

 

JACK

Does this mean you want me back?

GEORGINA

Oh, Jack, of course I want you back!

JACK smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

JACK

Well you can't have me.

GEORGINA

WHAT?

JACK

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

GEORGINA

But...

JACK

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, William.

WILLIAM grins.

 

GEORGINA

But...

WILLIAM

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

GEORGINA

Jack?

JACK

I'm sorry Georgina, but I think you should skidaddle.

GEORGINA leaves.

 

WILLIAM turns to JACK.

 

WILLIAM

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

JACK

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

 

Suddenly WILLIAM stops.

 

WILLIAM

When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?

THE END