Daring actor SIR JACK BARLOW is arguing with admirable hairdresser PROF GEORGINA JONES. JACK tries to hug GEORGINA but she shakes him off.
JACK
Please Georgina, don't leave me.
GEORGINA
I'm sorry Jack, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
JACK
I am such a person!
GEORGINA frowns.
GEORGINA
I'm sorry, Jack. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
GEORGINA leaves.
JACK sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, intelligent teacher DR WILLIAM TORRANCE barges in looking flustered.
JACK
Goodness, William! Is everything okay?
WILLIAM
I'm afraid not.
JACK
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
WILLIAM
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien vandalise a bunch of children!
JACK
Defenseless children?
WILLIAM
Yes, defenseless children!
JACK
Bloomin' heck, William! We've got to do something.
WILLIAM
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
JACK
You can start by telling me where this happened.
WILLIAM
I was...
WILLIAM fans himself and begins to wheeze.
JACK
Focus William, focus! Where did it happen?
WILLIAM
Quality Cafe, Los Angeles! That's right - Quality Cafe, Los Angeles!
JACK springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
JACK rushes along the street, followed by WILLIAM. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - SHORTLY AFTER
MATHIAS DOOP a wild alien terrorises two children.
JACK, closely followed by WILLIAM, rushes towards MATHIAS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
WILLIAM
What is is? What's the matter?
JACK
That's not just any old alien, that's Mathias Doop!
WILLIAM
Who's Mathias Doop?
JACK
Who's Mathias Doop? Who's Mathias Doop? Only the most wild alien in the universe!
WILLIAM
Blinkin' knickers, Jack! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most wild alien in the universe!
JACK
You can say that again.
WILLIAM
Blinkin' knickers, Jack! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most wild alien in the universe!
JACK
I'm going to need rifles, lots of rifles.
Mathias turns and sees Jack and William. He grins an evil grin.
MATHIAS
Jack Barlow, we meet again.
WILLIAM
You've met?
JACK
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young JACK is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees MATHIAS. He takes off his headphones.
MATHIAS
Would you like some barley sugar?
JACK's eyes light up, but then he studies MATHIAS more closely, and looks uneasy.
JACK
I don't know, you look kind of wild.
MATHIAS
Me? No. I'm not wild. I'm the least wild alien in the world.
JACK
Wait, you're a alien?
JACK runs away, screaming.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - PRESENT DAY
MATHIAS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
WILLIAM
(To JACK) You ran away?
JACK
(To WILLIAM) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
JACK turns to MATHIAS.
JACK
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
JACK runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
JACK
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rifles.
MATHIAS
I'm not scared of you.
JACK
You should be.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
JACK and WILLIAM walk around searching for something.
JACK
I feel sure I left my rifles somewhere around here.
WILLIAM
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rifles.
JACK
You know nothing William Torrance.
WILLIAM
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, MATHIAS appears, holding a pair of rifles.
MATHIAS
Looking for something?
WILLIAM
Crikey, Jack, he's got your rifles.
JACK
Tell me something I don't already know!
WILLIAM
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
JACK
I know that already!
WILLIAM
I'm afraid of sausages.
MATHIAS
(appalled) Dude!
While MATHIAS is looking at WILLIAM with disgust, JACK lunges forward and grabs his deadly rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.
JACK
Prepare to die, you wild potato!
MATHIAS
No please! All I did was vandalise a bunch of children!
GEORGINA enters, unseen by any of the others.
JACK
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Jack Barlow defender of innocent children.
MATHIAS
Don't hurt me! Please!
JACK
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rifles on you right away!
MATHIAS
Because Jack, I am your father.
JACK looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
JACK
No you're not!
MATHIAS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
MATHIAS tries to grab the rifles but JACK dodges out of the way.
JACK
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, MATHIAS slumps to the ground.
WILLIAM
Did he just faint?
JACK
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rifles.
JACK crouches over MATHIAS's body.
WILLIAM
Be careful, Jack. It could be a trick.
JACK
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Mathias Doop is dead!
JACK
What?
JACK
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
WILLIAM claps his hands.
WILLIAM
So your rifles did save the day, after all.
GEORGINA steps forward.
GEORGINA
Is it true? Did you kill the wild alien?
JACK
Georgina how long have you been...?
GEORGINA puts her arm around JACK.
GEORGINA
Long enough.
JACK
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Mathias Doop.
GEORGINA
Then the children are safe?
JACK
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
GEORGINA
You are their hero.
The children bow to JACK.
JACK
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Mathias Doop will never vandalise children ever again, is enough for me.
GEORGINA
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes JACK a healing bell
GEORGINA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
JACK
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
JACK
Well, if you insist.
JACK takes the bell.
JACK
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
JACK turns to GEORGINA.
JACK
Does this mean you want me back?
GEORGINA
Oh, Jack, of course I want you back!
JACK smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
JACK
Well you can't have me.
GEORGINA
WHAT?
JACK
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
GEORGINA
But...
JACK
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, William.
WILLIAM grins.
GEORGINA
But...
WILLIAM
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
GEORGINA
Jack?
JACK
I'm sorry Georgina, but I think you should skidaddle.
GEORGINA leaves.
WILLIAM turns to JACK.
WILLIAM
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
JACK
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly WILLIAM stops.
WILLIAM
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
THE END