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Ruthless Sea Monster

INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - AFTERNOON

 

Thoughtful hairdresser DCI JOSH RUSSELL is arguing with delightful hairdresser LADY DORIS GREENWAY. JOSH tries to hug DORIS but she shakes him off.

 

JOSH

Please Doris, don't leave me.

DORIS

I'm sorry Josh, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

JOSH

I am such a person!

DORIS frowns.

 

DORIS

I'm sorry, Josh. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

DORIS leaves.

 

JOSH sits down, looking defeated.

 

Moments later, bold author DI MAUD ROCKATANSKY barges in looking flustered.

 

JOSH

Goodness, Maud! Is everything okay?

MAUD

I'm afraid not.

JOSH

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

MAUD

It's ... a sea monster ... I saw an evil sea monster frighten a bunch of children!

JOSH

Defenseless children?

MAUD

Yes, defenseless children!

JOSH

Bloomin' heck, Maud! We've got to do something.

MAUD

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

JOSH

You can start by telling me where this happened.

MAUD

I was...

MAUD fans herself and begins to wheeze.

 

JOSH

Focus Maud, focus! Where did it happen?

MAUD

a book shop! That's right - a book shop!

JOSH springs up and begins to run.

 

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

 

JOSH rushes along the street, followed by MAUD. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

 

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

 

VIRGINIA KOWALSKI a ruthless sea monster terrorises two children.

 

JOSH, closely followed by MAUD, rushes towards VIRGINIA, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

 

MAUD

What is is? What's the matter?

JOSH

That's not just any old sea monster, that's Virginia Kowalski!

MAUD

Who's Virginia Kowalski?

JOSH

Who's Virginia Kowalski? Who's Virginia Kowalski? Only the most ruthless sea monster in the universe!

MAUD

Blinkin' knickers, Josh! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most ruthless sea monster in the universe!

JOSH

You can say that again.

MAUD

Blinkin' knickers, Josh! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most ruthless sea monster in the universe!

JOSH

I'm going to need rifles, lots of rifles.

Virginia turns and sees Josh and Maud. She grins an evil grin.

 

VIRGINIA

Josh Russell, we meet again.

MAUD

You've met?

JOSH

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

 

A young JOSH is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

 

He looks up and sees VIRGINIA. He takes off his headphones.

 

VIRGINIA

Would you like some wine gums?

JOSH's eyes light up, but then he studies VIRGINIA more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

JOSH

I don't know, you look kind of ruthless.

VIRGINIA

Me? No. I'm not ruthless. I'm the least ruthless sea monster in the world.

JOSH

Wait, you're a sea monster?

JOSH runs away, screaming.

 

 

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - PRESENT DAY

 

VIRGINIA

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

MAUD

(To JOSH) You ran away?

JOSH

(To MAUD) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

JOSH turns to VIRGINIA.

 

JOSH

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

JOSH runs away.

 

He turns back and shouts.

 

JOSH

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rifles.

VIRGINIA

I'm not scared of you.

JOSH

You should be.

 

EXT. A GREASY DINER - LATER THAT DAY

 

JOSH and MAUD walk around searching for something.

 

JOSH

I feel sure I left my rifles somewhere around here.

MAUD

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rifles.

JOSH

You know nothing Maud Rockatansky.

MAUD

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, VIRGINIA appears, holding a pair of rifles.

 

VIRGINIA

Looking for something?

MAUD

Crikey, Josh, she's got your rifles.

JOSH

Tell me something I don't already know!

MAUD

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

JOSH

I know that already!

MAUD

I still wear nappies.

VIRGINIA

(appalled) Dude!

While VIRGINIA is looking at MAUD with disgust, JOSH lunges forward and grabs his deadly rifles. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

JOSH

Prepare to die, you ruthless courgette!

VIRGINIA

No please! All I did was frighten a bunch of children!

DORIS enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

JOSH

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Josh Russell defender of innocent children.

VIRGINIA

Don't hurt me! Please!

JOSH

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rifles on you right away!

VIRGINIA

Because Josh, I am your mother.

JOSH looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

 

JOSH

No you're not!

VIRGINIA

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

VIRGINIA tries to grab the rifles but JOSH dodges out of the way.

 

JOSH

Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, VIRGINIA slumps to the ground.

 

MAUD

Did she just faint?

JOSH

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rifles.

JOSH crouches over VIRGINIA's body.

 

MAUD

Be careful, Josh. It could be a trick.

JOSH

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Virginia Kowalski is dead!

JOSH

What?

JOSH

Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

MAUD claps her hands.

 

MAUD

So your rifles did save the day, after all.

DORIS steps forward.

 

DORIS

Is it true? Did you kill the ruthless sea monster?

JOSH

Doris how long have you been...?

DORIS puts her arm around JOSH.

 

DORIS

Long enough.

JOSH

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Virginia Kowalski.

DORIS

Then the children are safe?

JOSH

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.

 

DORIS

You are their hero.

The children bow to JOSH.

 

JOSH

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Virginia Kowalski will never frighten children ever again, is enough for me.

DORIS

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the children passes JOSH a tinkling necklace

 

DORIS

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

JOSH

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

 

JOSH

Well, if you insist.

JOSH takes the necklace.

 

JOSH

Thank you.

The children bow their heads once more, and leave.

 

JOSH turns to DORIS.

 

JOSH

Does this mean you want me back?

DORIS

Oh, Josh, of course I want you back!

JOSH smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

JOSH

Well you can't have me.

DORIS

WHAT?

JOSH

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a sea monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

DORIS

But...

JOSH

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Maud.

MAUD grins.

 

DORIS

But...

MAUD

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

DORIS

Josh?

JOSH

I'm sorry Doris, but I think you should skidaddle.

DORIS leaves.

 

MAUD turns to JOSH.

 

MAUD

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

JOSH

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

 

Suddenly MAUD stops.

 

MAUD

When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the sea monster don't you?

THE END