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Thoughtless Vampire

INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - AFTERNOON

 

Intelligent police officer LADY CATHERINE SMITH is arguing with noble lawyer LADY ELIZABETH PARKER. CATHERINE tries to hug ELIZABETH but she shakes her off.

 

CATHERINE

Please Elizabeth, don't leave me.

ELIZABETH

I'm sorry Catherine, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

CATHERINE

I am such a person!

ELIZABETH frowns.

 

ELIZABETH

I'm sorry, Catherine. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

ELIZABETH leaves.

 

CATHERINE sits down, looking defeated.

 

Moments later, caring author DI OCEAN JONES barges in looking flustered.

 

CATHERINE

Goodness, Ocean! Is everything okay?

OCEAN

I'm afraid not.

CATHERINE

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

OCEAN

It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire devour a bunch of baby birds!

CATHERINE

Defenseless baby birds?

OCEAN

Yes, defenseless baby birds!

CATHERINE

Bloomin' heck, Ocean! We've got to do something.

OCEAN

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

CATHERINE

You can start by telling me where this happened.

OCEAN

I was...

OCEAN fans herself and begins to wheeze.

 

CATHERINE

Focus Ocean, focus! Where did it happen?

OCEAN

National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!

CATHERINE springs up and begins to run.

 

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

 

CATHERINE rushes along the street, followed by OCEAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

 

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER

 

ROBERT MEADOWS a thoughtless vampire terrorises two baby birds.

 

CATHERINE, closely followed by OCEAN, rushes towards ROBERT, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

 

OCEAN

What is is? What's the matter?

CATHERINE

That's not just any old vampire, that's Robert Meadows!

OCEAN

Who's Robert Meadows?

CATHERINE

Who's Robert Meadows? Who's Robert Meadows? Only the most thoughtless vampire in the universe!

OCEAN

Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless vampire in the universe!

CATHERINE

You can say that again.

OCEAN

Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless vampire in the universe!

CATHERINE

I'm going to need swords, lots of swords.

Robert turns and sees Catherine and Ocean. He grins an evil grin.

 

ROBERT

Catherine Smith, we meet again.

OCEAN

You've met?

CATHERINE

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

 

A young CATHERINE is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

 

She looks up and sees ROBERT. She takes off her headphones.

 

ROBERT

Would you like some barley sugar?

CATHERINE's eyes light up, but then he studies ROBERT more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

CATHERINE

I don't know, you look kind of thoughtless.

ROBERT

Me? No. I'm not thoughtless. I'm the least thoughtless vampire in the world.

CATHERINE

Wait, you're a vampire?

CATHERINE runs away, screaming.

 

 

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY

 

ROBERT

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

OCEAN

(To CATHERINE) You ran away?

CATHERINE

(To OCEAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

CATHERINE turns to ROBERT.

 

CATHERINE

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

CATHERINE runs away.

 

She turns back and shouts.

 

CATHERINE

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with swords.

ROBERT

I'm not scared of you.

CATHERINE

You should be.

 

INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - LATER THAT DAY

 

CATHERINE and OCEAN walk around searching for something.

 

CATHERINE

I feel sure I left my swords somewhere around here.

OCEAN

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly swords.

CATHERINE

You know nothing Ocean Jones.

OCEAN

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, ROBERT appears, holding a pair of swords.

 

ROBERT

Looking for something?

OCEAN

Crikey, Catherine, he's got your swords.

CATHERINE

Tell me something I don't already know!

OCEAN

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

CATHERINE

I know that already!

OCEAN

I still wear nappies.

ROBERT

(appalled) Dude!

While ROBERT is looking at OCEAN with disgust, CATHERINE lunges forward and grabs her deadly swords. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

CATHERINE

Prepare to die, you thoughtless cauliflower!

ROBERT

No please! All I did was devour a bunch of baby birds!

ELIZABETH enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

CATHERINE

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Catherine Smith defender of innocent baby birds.

ROBERT

Don't hurt me! Please!

CATHERINE

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these swords on you right away!

ROBERT

Because Catherine, I am your father.

CATHERINE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

 

CATHERINE

No you're not!

ROBERT

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

ROBERT tries to grab the swords but CATHERINE dodges out of the way.

 

CATHERINE

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, ROBERT slumps to the ground.

 

OCEAN

Did he just faint?

CATHERINE

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly swords.

CATHERINE crouches over ROBERT's body.

 

OCEAN

Be careful, Catherine. It could be a trick.

CATHERINE

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Robert Meadows is dead!

CATHERINE

What?

CATHERINE

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

OCEAN claps her hands.

 

OCEAN

So your swords did save the day, after all.

ELIZABETH steps forward.

 

ELIZABETH

Is it true? Did you kill the thoughtless vampire?

CATHERINE

Elizabeth how long have you been...?

ELIZABETH puts her arm around CATHERINE.

 

ELIZABETH

Long enough.

CATHERINE

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Robert Meadows.

ELIZABETH

Then the baby birds are safe?

CATHERINE

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived.

 

ELIZABETH

You are their hero.

The baby birds bow to CATHERINE.

 

CATHERINE

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Robert Meadows will never devour baby birds ever again, is enough for me.

ELIZABETH

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the baby birds passes CATHERINE a mystical ring

 

ELIZABETH

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

CATHERINE

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

 

CATHERINE

Well, if you insist.

CATHERINE takes the ring.

 

CATHERINE

Thank you.

The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave.

 

CATHERINE turns to ELIZABETH.

 

CATHERINE

Does this mean you want me back?

ELIZABETH

Oh, Catherine, of course I want you back!

CATHERINE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

CATHERINE

Well you can't have me.

ELIZABETH

WHAT?

CATHERINE

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

ELIZABETH

But...

CATHERINE

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Ocean.

OCEAN grins.

 

ELIZABETH

But...

OCEAN

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

ELIZABETH

Catherine?

CATHERINE

I'm sorry Elizabeth, but I think you should skidaddle.

ELIZABETH leaves.

 

OCEAN turns to CATHERINE.

 

OCEAN

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

CATHERINE

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

 

Suddenly OCEAN stops.

 

OCEAN

When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?

THE END