INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - AFTERNOON
Intelligent police officer LADY CATHERINE SMITH is arguing with noble lawyer LADY ELIZABETH PARKER. CATHERINE tries to hug ELIZABETH but she shakes her off.
CATHERINE
Please Elizabeth, don't leave me.
ELIZABETH
I'm sorry Catherine, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
CATHERINE
I am such a person!
ELIZABETH frowns.
ELIZABETH
I'm sorry, Catherine. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ELIZABETH leaves.
CATHERINE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, caring author DI OCEAN JONES barges in looking flustered.
CATHERINE
Goodness, Ocean! Is everything okay?
OCEAN
I'm afraid not.
CATHERINE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
OCEAN
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire devour a bunch of baby birds!
CATHERINE
Defenseless baby birds?
OCEAN
Yes, defenseless baby birds!
CATHERINE
Bloomin' heck, Ocean! We've got to do something.
OCEAN
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CATHERINE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
OCEAN
I was...
OCEAN fans herself and begins to wheeze.
CATHERINE
Focus Ocean, focus! Where did it happen?
OCEAN
National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!
CATHERINE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CATHERINE rushes along the street, followed by OCEAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
ROBERT MEADOWS a thoughtless vampire terrorises two baby birds.
CATHERINE, closely followed by OCEAN, rushes towards ROBERT, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
OCEAN
What is is? What's the matter?
CATHERINE
That's not just any old vampire, that's Robert Meadows!
OCEAN
Who's Robert Meadows?
CATHERINE
Who's Robert Meadows? Who's Robert Meadows? Only the most thoughtless vampire in the universe!
OCEAN
Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless vampire in the universe!
CATHERINE
You can say that again.
OCEAN
Blinkin' knickers, Catherine! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless vampire in the universe!
CATHERINE
I'm going to need swords, lots of swords.
Robert turns and sees Catherine and Ocean. He grins an evil grin.
ROBERT
Catherine Smith, we meet again.
OCEAN
You've met?
CATHERINE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CATHERINE is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees ROBERT. She takes off her headphones.
ROBERT
Would you like some barley sugar?
CATHERINE's eyes light up, but then he studies ROBERT more closely, and looks uneasy.
CATHERINE
I don't know, you look kind of thoughtless.
ROBERT
Me? No. I'm not thoughtless. I'm the least thoughtless vampire in the world.
CATHERINE
Wait, you're a vampire?
CATHERINE runs away, screaming.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
ROBERT
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
OCEAN
(To CATHERINE) You ran away?
CATHERINE
(To OCEAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CATHERINE turns to ROBERT.
CATHERINE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CATHERINE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
CATHERINE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with swords.
ROBERT
I'm not scared of you.
CATHERINE
You should be.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - LATER THAT DAY
CATHERINE and OCEAN walk around searching for something.
CATHERINE
I feel sure I left my swords somewhere around here.
OCEAN
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly swords.
CATHERINE
You know nothing Ocean Jones.
OCEAN
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, ROBERT appears, holding a pair of swords.
ROBERT
Looking for something?
OCEAN
Crikey, Catherine, he's got your swords.
CATHERINE
Tell me something I don't already know!
OCEAN
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CATHERINE
I know that already!
OCEAN
I still wear nappies.
ROBERT
(appalled) Dude!
While ROBERT is looking at OCEAN with disgust, CATHERINE lunges forward and grabs her deadly swords. He wields them, triumphantly.
CATHERINE
Prepare to die, you thoughtless cauliflower!
ROBERT
No please! All I did was devour a bunch of baby birds!
ELIZABETH enters, unseen by any of the others.
CATHERINE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Catherine Smith defender of innocent baby birds.
ROBERT
Don't hurt me! Please!
CATHERINE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these swords on you right away!
ROBERT
Because Catherine, I am your father.
CATHERINE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
CATHERINE
No you're not!
ROBERT
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ROBERT tries to grab the swords but CATHERINE dodges out of the way.
CATHERINE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ROBERT slumps to the ground.
OCEAN
Did he just faint?
CATHERINE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly swords.
CATHERINE crouches over ROBERT's body.
OCEAN
Be careful, Catherine. It could be a trick.
CATHERINE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Robert Meadows is dead!
CATHERINE
What?
CATHERINE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
OCEAN claps her hands.
OCEAN
So your swords did save the day, after all.
ELIZABETH steps forward.
ELIZABETH
Is it true? Did you kill the thoughtless vampire?
CATHERINE
Elizabeth how long have you been...?
ELIZABETH puts her arm around CATHERINE.
ELIZABETH
Long enough.
CATHERINE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Robert Meadows.
ELIZABETH
Then the baby birds are safe?
CATHERINE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived.
ELIZABETH
You are their hero.
The baby birds bow to CATHERINE.
CATHERINE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Robert Meadows will never devour baby birds ever again, is enough for me.
ELIZABETH
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the baby birds passes CATHERINE a mystical ring
ELIZABETH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CATHERINE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
CATHERINE
Well, if you insist.
CATHERINE takes the ring.
CATHERINE
Thank you.
The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave.
CATHERINE turns to ELIZABETH.
CATHERINE
Does this mean you want me back?
ELIZABETH
Oh, Catherine, of course I want you back!
CATHERINE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
CATHERINE
Well you can't have me.
ELIZABETH
WHAT?
CATHERINE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
ELIZABETH
But...
CATHERINE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Ocean.
OCEAN grins.
ELIZABETH
But...
OCEAN
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
ELIZABETH
Catherine?
CATHERINE
I'm sorry Elizabeth, but I think you should skidaddle.
ELIZABETH leaves.
OCEAN turns to CATHERINE.
OCEAN
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CATHERINE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly OCEAN stops.
OCEAN
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?
THE END