EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - AFTERNOON
Down to earth doctor SIR FRED PARKER is arguing with intuitive housekeeper PROF MARION KHAN. FRED tries to hug MARION but she shakes him off.
FRED
Please Marion, don't leave me.
MARION
I'm sorry Fred, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
FRED
I am such a person!
MARION frowns.
MARION
I'm sorry, Fred. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
MARION leaves.
FRED sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, incredible teacher DR ALISON BLACKSMITH barges in looking flustered.
FRED
Goodness, Alison! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
FRED
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a goblin ... I saw an evil goblin kick a bunch of baby birds!
FRED
Defenseless baby birds?
Yes, defenseless baby birds!
FRED
Bloomin' heck, Alison! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
FRED
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
ALISON fans herself and begins to wheeze.
FRED
Focus Alison, focus! Where did it happen?
a book shop! That's right - a book shop!
FRED springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
FRED rushes along the street, followed by ALISON. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. A BOOK SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER
MAUD GLOOP a stupid goblin terrorises two baby birds.
FRED, closely followed by ALISON, rushes towards MAUD, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
FRED
That's not just any old goblin, that's Maud Gloop!
Who's Maud Gloop?
FRED
Who's Maud Gloop? Who's Maud Gloop? Only the most stupid goblin in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, Fred! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid goblin in the universe!
FRED
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, Fred! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid goblin in the universe!
FRED
I'm going to need pistols, lots of pistols.
Maud turns and sees Fred and Alison. She grins an evil grin.
MAUD
Fred Parker, we meet again.
You've met?
FRED
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young FRED is sitting in a park listening to some indie music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees MAUD. He takes off his headphones.
MAUD
Would you like some white mice?
FRED's eyes light up, but then he studies MAUD more closely, and looks uneasy.
FRED
I don't know, you look kind of stupid.
MAUD
Me? No. I'm not stupid. I'm the least stupid goblin in the world.
FRED
Wait, you're a goblin?
FRED runs away, screaming.
EXT. A BOOK SHOP - PRESENT DAY
MAUD
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To FRED) You ran away?
FRED
(To ALISON) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
FRED turns to MAUD.
FRED
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
FRED runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
FRED
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pistols.
MAUD
I'm not scared of you.
FRED
You should be.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK - LATER THAT DAY
FRED and ALISON walk around searching for something.
FRED
I feel sure I left my pistols somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly pistols.
FRED
You know nothing Alison Blacksmith.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, MAUD appears, holding a pair of pistols.
MAUD
Looking for something?
Crikey, Fred, she's got your pistols.
FRED
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
FRED
I know that already!
I'm afraid of sausages.
MAUD
(appalled) Dude!
While MAUD is looking at ALISON with disgust, FRED lunges forward and grabs his deadly pistols. He wields them, triumphantly.
FRED
Prepare to die, you stupid turnip!
MAUD
No please! All I did was kick a bunch of baby birds!
MARION enters, unseen by any of the others.
FRED
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Fred Parker defender of innocent baby birds.
MAUD
Don't hurt me! Please!
FRED
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pistols on you right away!
MAUD
Because Fred, I am your mother.
FRED looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
FRED
No you're not!
MAUD
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
MAUD tries to grab the pistols but FRED dodges out of the way.
FRED
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, MAUD slumps to the ground.
Did she just faint?
FRED
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pistols.
FRED crouches over MAUD's body.
Be careful, Fred. It could be a trick.
FRED
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Maud Gloop is dead!
FRED
What?
FRED
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
ALISON claps her hands.
So your pistols did save the day, after all.
MARION steps forward.
MARION
Is it true? Did you kill the stupid goblin?
FRED
Marion how long have you been...?
MARION puts her arm around FRED.
MARION
Long enough.
FRED
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Maud Gloop.
MARION
Then the baby birds are safe?
FRED
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived.
MARION
You are their hero.
The baby birds bow to FRED.
FRED
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Maud Gloop will never kick baby birds ever again, is enough for me.
MARION
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the baby birds passes FRED a gold talisman
MARION
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
FRED
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
FRED
Well, if you insist.
FRED takes the talisman.
FRED
Thank you.
The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave.
FRED turns to MARION.
FRED
Does this mean you want me back?
MARION
Oh, Fred, of course I want you back!
FRED smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
FRED
Well you can't have me.
MARION
WHAT?
FRED
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a goblin to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
MARION
But...
FRED
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Alison.
ALISON grins.
MARION
But...
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
MARION
Fred?
FRED
I'm sorry Marion, but I think you should skidaddle.
MARION leaves.
ALISON turns to FRED.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
FRED
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly ALISON stops.
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the goblin don't you?
THE END