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Stupid Goblin

 

 

EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL - AFTERNOON

 

Down to earth doctor SIR FRED PARKER is arguing with intuitive housekeeper PROF MARION KHAN. FRED tries to hug MARION but she shakes him off.

 

FRED

Please Marion, don't leave me.

MARION

I'm sorry Fred, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

FRED

I am such a person!

MARION frowns.

 

MARION

I'm sorry, Fred. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

MARION leaves.

 

FRED sits down, looking defeated.

 

Moments later, incredible teacher DR ALISON BLACKSMITH barges in looking flustered.

 

FRED

Goodness, Alison! Is everything okay?

ALISON

I'm afraid not.

FRED

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

ALISON

It's ... a goblin ... I saw an evil goblin kick a bunch of baby birds!

FRED

Defenseless baby birds?

ALISON

Yes, defenseless baby birds!

FRED

Bloomin' heck, Alison! We've got to do something.

ALISON

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

FRED

You can start by telling me where this happened.

ALISON

I was...

ALISON fans herself and begins to wheeze.

 

FRED

Focus Alison, focus! Where did it happen?

ALISON

a book shop! That's right - a book shop!

FRED springs up and begins to run.

 

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

 

FRED rushes along the street, followed by ALISON. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

 

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

 

MAUD GLOOP a stupid goblin terrorises two baby birds.

 

FRED, closely followed by ALISON, rushes towards MAUD, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

 

ALISON

What is is? What's the matter?

FRED

That's not just any old goblin, that's Maud Gloop!

ALISON

Who's Maud Gloop?

FRED

Who's Maud Gloop? Who's Maud Gloop? Only the most stupid goblin in the universe!

ALISON

Blinkin' knickers, Fred! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid goblin in the universe!

FRED

You can say that again.

ALISON

Blinkin' knickers, Fred! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most stupid goblin in the universe!

FRED

I'm going to need pistols, lots of pistols.

Maud turns and sees Fred and Alison. She grins an evil grin.

 

MAUD

Fred Parker, we meet again.

ALISON

You've met?

FRED

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

 

A young FRED is sitting in a park listening to some indie music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

 

He looks up and sees MAUD. He takes off his headphones.

 

MAUD

Would you like some white mice?

FRED's eyes light up, but then he studies MAUD more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

FRED

I don't know, you look kind of stupid.

MAUD

Me? No. I'm not stupid. I'm the least stupid goblin in the world.

FRED

Wait, you're a goblin?

FRED runs away, screaming.

 

 

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - PRESENT DAY

 

MAUD

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

ALISON

(To FRED) You ran away?

FRED

(To ALISON) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

FRED turns to MAUD.

 

FRED

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

FRED runs away.

 

He turns back and shouts.

 

FRED

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pistols.

MAUD

I'm not scared of you.

FRED

You should be.

 

EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK - LATER THAT DAY

 

FRED and ALISON walk around searching for something.

 

FRED

I feel sure I left my pistols somewhere around here.

ALISON

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly pistols.

FRED

You know nothing Alison Blacksmith.

ALISON

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, MAUD appears, holding a pair of pistols.

 

MAUD

Looking for something?

ALISON

Crikey, Fred, she's got your pistols.

FRED

Tell me something I don't already know!

ALISON

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

FRED

I know that already!

ALISON

I'm afraid of sausages.

MAUD

(appalled) Dude!

While MAUD is looking at ALISON with disgust, FRED lunges forward and grabs his deadly pistols. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

FRED

Prepare to die, you stupid turnip!

MAUD

No please! All I did was kick a bunch of baby birds!

MARION enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

FRED

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Fred Parker defender of innocent baby birds.

MAUD

Don't hurt me! Please!

FRED

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pistols on you right away!

MAUD

Because Fred, I am your mother.

FRED looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

 

FRED

No you're not!

MAUD

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

MAUD tries to grab the pistols but FRED dodges out of the way.

 

FRED

Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, MAUD slumps to the ground.

 

ALISON

Did she just faint?

FRED

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pistols.

FRED crouches over MAUD's body.

 

ALISON

Be careful, Fred. It could be a trick.

FRED

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Maud Gloop is dead!

FRED

What?

FRED

Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

ALISON claps her hands.

 

ALISON

So your pistols did save the day, after all.

MARION steps forward.

 

MARION

Is it true? Did you kill the stupid goblin?

FRED

Marion how long have you been...?

MARION puts her arm around FRED.

 

MARION

Long enough.

FRED

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Maud Gloop.

MARION

Then the baby birds are safe?

FRED

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived.

 

MARION

You are their hero.

The baby birds bow to FRED.

 

FRED

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Maud Gloop will never kick baby birds ever again, is enough for me.

MARION

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the baby birds passes FRED a gold talisman

 

MARION

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

FRED

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

 

FRED

Well, if you insist.

FRED takes the talisman.

 

FRED

Thank you.

The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave.

 

FRED turns to MARION.

 

FRED

Does this mean you want me back?

MARION

Oh, Fred, of course I want you back!

FRED smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

FRED

Well you can't have me.

MARION

WHAT?

FRED

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a goblin to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

MARION

But...

FRED

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Alison.

ALISON grins.

 

MARION

But...

ALISON

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

MARION

Fred?

FRED

I'm sorry Marion, but I think you should skidaddle.

MARION leaves.

 

ALISON turns to FRED.

 

ALISON

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

FRED

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

 

Suddenly ALISON stops.

 

ALISON

When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the goblin don't you?

THE END